Session 5: A Better Broken-My Overly Controlling Disposition
Hey Girlfriends! I'm gonna jump right into it today!
Most people know that I was born with an overly controlling disposition but I'm not O.C.D., ha! I've been forced to find the humor in it and laugh at my M.O. The struggle is REAL! Most likely it began with the typical insecurities one develops in their childhood. I came by it naturally and I have owned it though I really wasn't cognizant of the effects it was having on my marriage, family and circumstances.
Early in my marriage, security was an issue for me but it had nothing to do with my choice in a mate; my husband is strong and fearless! Instead, my insecurities were rooted in a lack of faith in my Heavenly Father, I'm sad to say. I didn't know how to put my faith and trust in a Savior who loves me and desires His best for me. So, I made sure my opinions were known and if that wasn't enough, I made sure they were met!
When I began having children, my "high achieving" nature took over, literally. (I'm here to bring you hope, girls!) Somehow I believed my kids would be saved from failures and disappointments because I could teach them how by telling them, "Don't do this" and "Do, do this". I guess I was like many moms having a desire for my children not to make the same mistakes I had made. My husband and I made life lessons of many situations. We never intended to complicate their decision making skills with our whimsical humor. In fact, we believed we were helping them! They were kind about it for the most part. 😉 I'm sure they were rolling their eyes! 😐
Later in life, patterns of control made it difficult for me to let go because I couldn't fix things anymore. I had not learned how to develop a contingency plan. I felt helpless and somewhat robbed discovering that my desperation to be in control had undermined relationships! I soon realized that chasing control had led to an unsuspecting and looming dysfunction.
Suddenly, in my 40's, I'm needing to know what putting my confidence in God and trusting Him for the results looks like and I'm lost! I am desperate and somewhat hopeless. Until... God met me one morning with a "word" while on a trip in Virginia. It went something like this, "Amy, you really do have an Overly Controlling Disposition. You want your plans, your dreams, your ideas and your outcomes! You've got to lay that down! Do you believe in my Sovereignty? Do you believe my plans are never thwarted? Do you believe I will accomplish my purpose through the circumstances that I have allowed to come about? Come with me and I will show you great things. Put your trust completely in me so you can be free to receive my blessings, my way."
The circumstances surrounding my husband and me at this time were anything but easy and difficult at best. But I began the painful journey to undo old patterns and begin new ones. Sometimes it felt like 3 steps forward and 10 steps backward. It was discouraging and if it weren't for God and His Redemption, I would still be in that cycle today.
Day by day, week by week, year by year, His Word echos to trust Him and circle His truth over my circumstances. Words like these:
Psalm 49:16b, "... I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."
Ezekiel 36:25-27, "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules."
Isaiah 55:8-13, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorns shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
Psalm 43:3-4, "Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God."
The more scriptures I circle, the more I see Him at work on behalf of my circumstances. Circumstances not of my choosing, yet I wouldn't change them now. Wait, what?! Yes, you read that correctly! Seriously, I wouldn't change them. While I would have never chosen the circumstances and difficulties of the past 20 years, I wouldn't trade what God has given me and my family for anything! The things I have seen my Savior do on our behalf... ya'll, you just can't make this stuff up! He has orchestrated the most incredible, wonderful, joyful life a girl could have! That's not to say I don't struggle, absolutely I struggle, everyday! But I'm learning as I relinquish my control to His, He effectively make all things new! And, slowly but surely, I'm running away from a disposition of control towards a disposition of surrender to a good God who intends good to come from bad.
And this, my friends, is my last post for this study. All that's left in the study is the Session 5 video, the last week in the Study Guide and the last 4 chapters of Laura's book. I hope you have enjoyed this journey together as much as I have! Thank you for taking me along with you!
Feel free to leave your comments below any of the posts; I would love to hear from you!
Session 5 Video A Better Broken HERE
Because He Lives, I can Face Tomorrow!
Amy
amy-herron@att.net
Most people know that I was born with an overly controlling disposition but I'm not O.C.D., ha! I've been forced to find the humor in it and laugh at my M.O. The struggle is REAL! Most likely it began with the typical insecurities one develops in their childhood. I came by it naturally and I have owned it though I really wasn't cognizant of the effects it was having on my marriage, family and circumstances.
Early in my marriage, security was an issue for me but it had nothing to do with my choice in a mate; my husband is strong and fearless! Instead, my insecurities were rooted in a lack of faith in my Heavenly Father, I'm sad to say. I didn't know how to put my faith and trust in a Savior who loves me and desires His best for me. So, I made sure my opinions were known and if that wasn't enough, I made sure they were met!
When I began having children, my "high achieving" nature took over, literally. (I'm here to bring you hope, girls!) Somehow I believed my kids would be saved from failures and disappointments because I could teach them how by telling them, "Don't do this" and "Do, do this". I guess I was like many moms having a desire for my children not to make the same mistakes I had made. My husband and I made life lessons of many situations. We never intended to complicate their decision making skills with our whimsical humor. In fact, we believed we were helping them! They were kind about it for the most part. 😉 I'm sure they were rolling their eyes! 😐
Later in life, patterns of control made it difficult for me to let go because I couldn't fix things anymore. I had not learned how to develop a contingency plan. I felt helpless and somewhat robbed discovering that my desperation to be in control had undermined relationships! I soon realized that chasing control had led to an unsuspecting and looming dysfunction.
Suddenly, in my 40's, I'm needing to know what putting my confidence in God and trusting Him for the results looks like and I'm lost! I am desperate and somewhat hopeless. Until... God met me one morning with a "word" while on a trip in Virginia. It went something like this, "Amy, you really do have an Overly Controlling Disposition. You want your plans, your dreams, your ideas and your outcomes! You've got to lay that down! Do you believe in my Sovereignty? Do you believe my plans are never thwarted? Do you believe I will accomplish my purpose through the circumstances that I have allowed to come about? Come with me and I will show you great things. Put your trust completely in me so you can be free to receive my blessings, my way."
The circumstances surrounding my husband and me at this time were anything but easy and difficult at best. But I began the painful journey to undo old patterns and begin new ones. Sometimes it felt like 3 steps forward and 10 steps backward. It was discouraging and if it weren't for God and His Redemption, I would still be in that cycle today.
Day by day, week by week, year by year, His Word echos to trust Him and circle His truth over my circumstances. Words like these:
Psalm 49:16b, "... I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me."
Ezekiel 36:25-27, "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules."
Isaiah 55:8-13, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorns shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."
Psalm 43:3-4, "Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God."
The more scriptures I circle, the more I see Him at work on behalf of my circumstances. Circumstances not of my choosing, yet I wouldn't change them now. Wait, what?! Yes, you read that correctly! Seriously, I wouldn't change them. While I would have never chosen the circumstances and difficulties of the past 20 years, I wouldn't trade what God has given me and my family for anything! The things I have seen my Savior do on our behalf... ya'll, you just can't make this stuff up! He has orchestrated the most incredible, wonderful, joyful life a girl could have! That's not to say I don't struggle, absolutely I struggle, everyday! But I'm learning as I relinquish my control to His, He effectively make all things new! And, slowly but surely, I'm running away from a disposition of control towards a disposition of surrender to a good God who intends good to come from bad.
And this, my friends, is my last post for this study. All that's left in the study is the Session 5 video, the last week in the Study Guide and the last 4 chapters of Laura's book. I hope you have enjoyed this journey together as much as I have! Thank you for taking me along with you!
Feel free to leave your comments below any of the posts; I would love to hear from you!
Session 5 Video A Better Broken HERE
Because He Lives, I can Face Tomorrow!
Amy
amy-herron@att.net
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